All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 1342 to Phoenix. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised"
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, a mask will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child... pick your favorite.
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Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "United Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Pan American Airlines just after a very hard landing in San Francisco Airport: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the pilot was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking: Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, just sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
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TO: NON-MANAGEMENT UNITED EMPLOYEES
As a spouse of a United employee for United Airlines, I would like to take this opportunity to communicate my feelings regarding the present situation relating to the pending bankruptcy case of UAL. I have been a Bankruptcy Specialist for over 25 years in restructuring Chapter 11 proceedings in the United States and other businesses in Europe. This letter is not a solicitation but a letter as to my opinion regarding the present proceedings involving pay-cuts and benefit reductions for the United employees and their families. I have kept informed of the proceedings in the Court due to my wife's employment and the comments made to me by other employees that I have had the pleasure of meeting.
Since flying United for over 15 years, both as a revenue passenger and a non-revenue passenger, the old saying that United was the "Friendly Sky" was more than just advertising. It was because every one of the employees, from the Customer Services Representatives, Ground Crew, Flight Attendants and Pilots, all made every flight the most enjoyable, safe and friendly flight I have taken on any airline. The employees are what made United the "Friendly Airline."
Now, due to many decisions made by past management and the actions of the present management, the attitude of the employees is deteriorating. It is apparent that the bankruptcy proceedings are taking a toll on all employees and their families. Management is trying to reduce the employee benefits and reduce the salaries of the people who made United what it is today. The hard work and dedication of the non-management employees makes United Airlines the premier airlines of today. Management was responsible for the necessity of filing this bankruptcy case. Management filed this bankruptcy due to major mismanagement of company assets and attempting to acquire non-performing assets. The sole purpose of this filing is to attempt to reject (terminate) the contracts of the unions and deprive the employees of their hard earned benefits. The management's attorneys, in a show of "Good Faith" are attempting to blame the employees for the company's cash flow problems while attempting to cut the benefits of all personnel. Meanwhile, management enjoys the continuing high-salaried positions, bonuses, golden parachutes and better benefits than ever before.
YOUR RIGHTS
In my years as an Operating Officer for Debtor-in-Possession bankruptcy cases, I have seen may cases which were mishandled by attorneys who are not familiar with Chapter 11 Bankruptcy Cases. In reviewing the many pleadings, documentation and rulings by the Court, it is apparent that the employee's legal counsel has failed to properly represent the best interest of the members of each Union. Pay-cuts have been approved against the wishes of the employees, benefits have been reduced at a dramatic cost to the employees, working conditions have been changed to the determent of the employees, pension payments have been suspended, and, further pay-cuts are being requested by management to justify being able to borrow more money to assist in the restructure of United. Management wants YOU to sacrifice without management taking any substantial pay-cut and without reducing their own benefits. Management cannot justify their individual salaries and continue to blame employees for their failure to present a viable bankruptcy reorganization plan.
The bankruptcy court allows each and every employee to standup and be heard. In many other bankruptcy cases, management was forced to take substantial pay cuts while the company was in bankruptcy. Trustees have also been appointed in cases where management was unable to successfully restructure the company and have failed to adequately account for cash flow. Management was forced to reduce their benefits, suspend annual compensation, bonuses and, in some cases, reduce the size of nonessential management positions. United management has done nothing to show "Good Faith" on their part. In recent news, management is contemplating reducing the Customer Service Representatives. If management would reduce their annual compensation of million dollar salaries, the payroll of these Customer Services Representatives could be funded for the next two to three years at no further loss to United. Customer Service Representatives are the first individuals that a passenger deals with before departure and are responsible for seeing passengers at arrival.
Management is also requesting that Flight Attendants further reduce their present pay rate. Again, this request is without management reducing their pay rate on a comparable basis. Flight attendants are the individuals who see to the safety and welfare of the passengers. They are the "Friendly Sky" whose duties and customer relations make the flight time enjoyable for the passengers and reflect the First Class image of United Airlines. After many years of building the reputation of United, management wants to reduce their pay and benefits while increasing management's pay, benefits and bonuses.
Behind the scenes at United is a dedicated Ground Crew. They are responsible for seeing that the aircrafts are in top working conditions, loading and unloading valuable cargo and making sure that there is always an OnTime departure. Their jobs are not only important but are essential to the operations of the aircraft. Have you ever wondered how many managers it takes to fuel the plane? The answer is NONE! However, management is asking for more cuts in pay for the people who make United the "Friendly Skies."
Computer technicians and other technical support personnel are also essential to the operations at United. Without them the Departure and Arrival of aircraft would never function and flight personnel would never be able to schedule their flights. I ask myself many times how many managers, officers, directors and supervisors have ever taken the time to inquire from the employees as to what steps management can take to assist the employees in making their jobs more efficient, profitable, customer friendly and most of all, to make the employees job enjoyable so that their dedication will always be to United Airlines.
OH! By the way...WHO IS FLYING THIS PLANE??? Where would United be without the Pilots?
STAND AND BE HEARD
Every employee has the right and the OBLIGATION to be heard in the Court. Do not rely on your Union attorney to fight for your rights. No matter what the outcome of the bankruptcy proceeding, the attorney who represents you still gets paid. Your union dues pays the legal fees whether win or lose, if you receive pay-cuts, if you lose your pension and your other benefits are reduced. You have the right to be heard by the Judge. It is important that you not stand alone. EVERY EMPLOYEE who is facing reduced benefits should come together on a "UNITED" front to voice their concerns to the Judge. Management should be held accountable and to justify their compensation. Employees should request that a complete accounting and disclosure of all officers, managers and supervisors compensation and benefits be disclosed to the Creditors. You, as an employee, are Creditors. You have the right and the obligation to your family and partners, to protect your jobs and the benefits you have earned throughout your career with United. A Strike accomplishes nothing. If United rejects your Contract (Executory Contract) you will continue to work under the old terms until a new contract is signed post-petition. Management needs to take a pay-cut and a reduction of benefits. They have failed to act in good faith and for the good of the company. The employees have given enough. It is time for a Trustee to be appointed to oversee company procedures, negotiations and use of cash proceeds. The Trustee works for the United States government and must report directly to the Court.
You must write to the Union attorneys and demand that they file a Motion to Show Cause to have the attorneys for United appear and explain to the Judge their position on why more compensation and benefit reductions will assist in the Reorganization Plan. If more reductions of benefits are necessary, management's compensation should be reduced comparable to that of the employees. Their salaries comprise a substantial part of the cash flow crisis at United. If the employees must adjust their lifestyle to continue operations at United, don't you think that management should do so? If management wants their employees to live on reduced incomes in the thousands of dollars, than the management should reduce their compensation from the millions of dollars in compensation presently being paid. TILTON MUST MAKE CONCESSIONS!!!
Every month United must file an Operating Report with the Court. You need to go to the Federal Bankruptcy Court and ask the Clerk of the United States Bankruptcy Court for copies of this report. You will be shocked! Also, instead of an independent auditor you should demand that your attorney request that a Trustee be appointed to oversee these audits. Independent analysis of the operations at United and the Trustee's oversight of the operations will show that a viable Reorganization Plan can be accomplished by restructuring the management of United and not reduction of benefits by the employees.
Ask questions! Demand Answers! UNITED you will stand...divided you will fall. Demand Board Certified Business Bankruptcy Attorneys. Your dues pays their fees. The Union must provide competent legal counsel to protect your interest. They represent you and you must demand that they protect your interest, your contracts, and your future. Demand that your attorney file Motions with the Court to give you an opportunity to be heard. Demand that an Emergency Hearing be held immediately (prior to January) so that a Strike is not necessary. If you do not understand the legal terminology that you have received recently, ask for an "English" Translation. All of the employees must act UNITED. Email your coworkers. Get involved. It is your future and you must speak up. Ask the Judge to set a hearing to listen to your complaints. Your Union attorney can file the proper paperwork and ask for an Emergency Hearing for all employees to attend. Instead of a Strike you will have the right to attend the hearing without legal ramification from the airline.
It is my intent to intervene in this case and seek the legal rights that the Courts have given to Creditors and Employees. If you do not want to end up like Enron, WorldCom and other major corporations you must do the same. In the alternative, you can give into management's demands and work for $10.00 per hour with no retirement or benefits. Management will still have their large salaries, astronomical stock and cash bonuses and benefits.
I am not an attorney and cannot give you legal advise. I speak from experience and write to you to ask that everyone stand together and fight for their rights. Congress has given you these rights and you must come together as one to keep what is rightfully yours. Forward this email and I hope to hear from each and every one of you. UNITED you will succeed!
FOR NOW,
Richard Snell
105 Hughs Street
Boerne, Texas 78006
(830) 816-1886 Phone
(210) 568-2697 Fax
(210) 204-5242 Cell
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